a Mom Under Water
I feel defeated.
I don’t know how much I have left in me. My emotional threshold is way past the point of boiling over. This weekend was beyond difficult with Everett. I feel lost and overwhelmed. It’s not like he can communicate what’s wrong. He was clinging to me this morning and I just wanted to fall apart and shatter into a million pieces. We have been waiting for the specialist at the Center for Autism to call us back and its been days now. Laura and I are coping the best we can, but I can feel her breaking too. We end up taking it out on each other which stresses the marriage and I’m sure the kids can feel the ripple effect of that. We are struggling. My intrusive thoughts are coming back and my mind races at night with horrible things. Nothing seems to drown them out. Even Xanax isn’t helping at this point.
I lay there at night and think “breathe in, breathe out….breathe in, breathe out”…over and over and over. I try the behavioral therapy route. “Okay, my thoughts like a ball of scribbles on a leaf. That leaf is floating down a wooded stream. I watch the leaf drift left and then right and alllll the way around the bend until it’s out of sight”. Yeah, that didn’t work. Maybe a Xanax? Nope…Maybe another Xanax? No, I can’t because if the babies cry I won’t be able to wake up and trust me when I say my wife does NOT do well when she’s woken up from a sound sleep. So, I lay there helpless. Crippled by the intrusive thoughts speeding in my head.
The Xanax finally kicks in and – Lights out.
It’s awful. I need help, but the truth is I can’t focus on myself right now. It’s about Everett and making sure he has what he needs to thrive. Between his sensory appointments and work there’s no time to focus on my mental health. It’s a bad cycle, but one that I have to live in for now.
How do we respond when Everett is thrashing around? Or when he is pulling his hair? What do I do when he is screaming and crying to the point of gagging? Sometimes even vomiting. Or how about when he puts his hands around our throats or slams his head back into things? With Foster it feels simpler. When he acts out, we ignore him. But Everett has sensory issues so would ignoring him be best? Do we cuddle him or does that reinforce the negative behavior? Most of what he is doing is sensory seeking..I think. I mean, I’m no doctor. Just a mom trying to figure it out.
So, we will just keep waiting to get an appointment at the Center for Autism. I know COVID-19 has delayed everything and I’m trying so hard to be patient, but today that feels nearly impossible.
Nehemiah 8:10 Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength. Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Will you pray with me?
Proverbs 3:5-6 Righteous God, I know that I must trust in You with all my heart and I know that I must not lean on my own understanding because the path that I choose will lead me down a road of destruction. It is foolish to let my heart guide my paths, so I place my life in Your hands. I pray that I never doubt in You and Your wisdom, instead I will acknowledge You in all my ways so that You can grant me patience and direct my paths in line with your word, Amen.
Jeremiah 33:3 God of wisdom, I call upon You and know that You will answer me and tell me the great and unsearchable things that I do not know. I thank You for divine understanding that reveals to me the things that I do not understand. I pray for patience and understanding in all areas of my life: my workplace, my home, my relationships, in all things. I thank You for allowing me to see things like You do, Amen.