These moments are fleeting.
I feel like the twins are growing up and I’m missing it. I’ve been bushwhacking through a thickness of depression and OCD intrusive thoughts for two years now. Does postpartum depression OCD ever go away? Or is this a battle I will fight forever now. I mean, at what point does the universe go “ Okay, she’s had enough” ’Cause I’ve had enough. I want to be present in our babies childhood. I want to do more than simply survive.
Can you relate?
I was answering a bajillion page medical history for Everett‘s doctors appointment and I realized... I don’t remember much from the last two years. When they sat up.. crawled.. started truly eating solids.. when they got their teeth..slept through the night.. appetite changed..
What happened? I missed it and it’s gone. I can never get it back. It’s like my brain is this huge void. You know what I mean? Like someone’s knocking, but ain’t nobody home type of situation 😅 I went to college, I graduated and got a degree, but here I am putting my cell phone away in the fridge and the milk away in the pantry. And forget trying to remember if I actually ate today.. 😂 Who even knows what day it is, right?
I talk to other moms and I feel cheated. How did they get this beautiful pregnancy and postpartum experience? My mom had six children and didn’t have PPD one single time. How is that possible?
Not that I wanted her to have PPD, I just don’t understand with that odds how she was smooth sailing postpartum.
Why am I struggling so much lately? Why are the intrusive thoughts worse? Is this a stress induced flare up? Lack of sleep + poor diet + immense stress has to equal some kind of shit storm right? I mean, I’m no doctor, but that would be my educated guess.
This morning I had convinced myself that I overmedicate our kids. Now is that true? No, ofcourse not. But there I was at 6:30am having a full blown intrusive thought attack. Is that a thing? Well if it’s not it should be. It’s very much real. The truth is, the twins are getting their two year molars and have been sick with different cruds off and on for weeks now. Par for the course when starting preschool for the first time. I‘ve had to give them tylenol and baby oral gel once a day for the last few days which is so very far from overmedicating but that’s what these thoughts + depression do to you. They beat you down and make you feel worthless...unworthy.. unfit to be a parent. That’s simply not true. They lie and feed off your fear and anxiety which then fuels more anxiety and fear. It’s a vicious cycle.
Since it is obvious that I’m regressing in my progress the first thing I want to do is make a plan. I know giving up isn’t an option, so you know what they say:
If you’re going through hell, keep going
Make an appointment with my psychologist - set up weekly visits
Make an appointment with my psychiatrist to re-evaluate my medications and the side effects
Start cleaning up my diet ( limiting sugar and caffeine)
Start logging what and when these panic/OCD attacks occur
Turn to family and/or friends for extra support
Start practicing self care
Incorporate exercise into my lifestyle
Practice my behavior coping techniques
This is the beginning of the next stage for me. If you’re battling depression, OCD, anxiety or any type of mental illness please remember there’s always a way to cope, improve and hopefully recover. Start making a list for yourself. Write down what you hope to accomplish and find someone to hold you accountable. Its not hopeless, you can fix this and most of all I’m here if you need a friend to talk to. Hang in there!